Today is National Coming Out Day. A day where people young and old proclaim to their friends and family and sometimes to the world they are lesbian, gay, bi, pansexual, trans, asexual, queer, or in some other way do not conform to the societal norms of straight and gender conforming. We as professionals help our students set up drag shows, PFLAG, Trevor Project, and HRC tables, and other events to publicly celebrate being a part of the LGBTQIA community and educate others on how far we have yet to go in gaining equal rights and respect from our fellow humans. I think this is great and every person willing and ready to plan or participate in these programs and activities should be celebrated. Let us though also, on this day not forget the remainder of the spectrum of coming out.
Not everyone is ready to proclaim to the world that they do not conform to gender or sexual norms and many haven’t even come out of the drawer, let alone the closet. Coming out is not a singular proclamation but a lifelong process that is sometimes tremendous and very positive and other times very painful and isolating. Discovering who you are is a lifelong process and that often does not really begin for many students until after high school graduation when they start college, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Even then it can take time to balance personal, school, friends, and home life. National Coming Out Day is a great way for LGBTQIA people to celebrate who they are but this can also be a particularly difficult time for the individuals who don’t quite have it all figured out yet.
There is tremendous pressure from the LGBTQIA community to proclaim how much a student loves their identity as an LGBTQIA person which isn’t always the case or healthy. We must remember and also celebrate the students who have only come out to themselves, or even just a few friends. While it is important to litter the quad with rainbow and glitter (as I’ve seen many celebrations do) remember to urge your students and fellow staff members to take a step back and celebrate all of the processes of coming out. How can we do this?
Let students know you are there for them, no matter their status. Often times when students see there is such an outgoing LGBTQIA community, they may be afraid to talk to someone who might pressure them into going to a PRIDE or ALLIANCE meeting with other students or going to any LGBTQIA related anything. Instead they just need someone to speak with about what they are thinking or feeling. Make sure the students you serve know year round that they can talk to you without pressure to be or proclaim anything. Around coming out day put a sign on your door or wear a button that says “Here to talk, no pressure”, “Come as you are”, or something similar. While it may sound silly, students pick up on the smallest of things and do notice the quiet person/sign. They seem to be able to sense that they won’t be put into the spotlight and appreciate that.
Remember to thank those that you know are supportive. It’s not always easy to be an ally and we often forget this. Yes, LGBTQIA individuals struggle personally with a lot of really difficult things, but allies don’t have to struggle, they choose to. They don’t have to have empathy. They may not be able to relate. They can go about their daily lives and not have to think about discrimination against people who are LGBTQIA. Whether it’s a quick note, a letter, a banner, or a something else, remember to say think you to allies you know.
Go out of your way to let students know that you are proud of them for where they are and encourage others to do the same. Often peers think they are being supportive when they push others to post National Coming Out Day statuses on social media or to make appearances in public places but some students aren’t ready to come out in that way or are still very much in the closet at home, no matter their known status on campus. If you advise a student LGBTQIA group, have a talk to remind them about the coming out process and to be supportive of others where they are. This may be a great opportunity to brainstorm ways that students could get involved in educating and celebrating without going public. If NCOD is a hot topic on your campus, make sure to speak with other faculty and staff members as well.
These are just a few suggestions to make NCOD a success for everyone and by no means is all that can be done. The most important thing to remember is that students must be supported for where they are, not where we or others think they should be and that some students who may seem very out on campus, may have a family that hasn’t a clue. What have you done on your campus to make NCOD a success for everyone?
Have fun! Make a human rainbow! And pass out those pins and resources! Come out of the closet…or the drawer.
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